Obama Tax Plan

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THE BARACK OBAMA KNOWLEDGE TAX

March 12, 2009

Dirk Langston reporting from Los Angeles

Sources within the Obama Administration are reporting on some new legislation the White House is hoping will pass concurrently with the new budget, specifically a knowledge-based Tax. The Tax, currently being spoken of in government circles by the acronym ‘BRAI(N)’ – Beneficial Redistribution and Institutionalization of k(N)owledge, will result in a 10% knowledge tax levied against some of America’s most knowledgeable individuals.  Specifically, those who represent the top 20% of this country’s educational elite.

According to Obama Assistant Educational Secretary Mr. Alberto Cervello, “We believe that these people have had an intellectual leg up on the rest of society, due to their elitist upbringing and family financial backgrounds.  Furthermore, according to Mr. Cervello, “The tax is simple, we will just remove 10% of the knowledge base from all individuals deemed to fit into a specific intellectual tax bracket, and redistribute the knowledge through government programs to the rest of society, specifically the underprivileged and the mediocre.”  Secretary Cervello further stated that, “This tax will definitely not touch the hard-thinking Americans who make up the bulk of this country’s knowledge base.”

Societal redistribution of knowledge through a knowledge based educational tax is nothing new.  It has been attempted by the previous Bush administration.  However, according to unnamed sources from the previous administration “We just couldn’t find anyone smart enough to pull the whole thing off.”

The administration is hoping for quick passage through Congress, as Congressional members will likely be one of the largest beneficiaries of the redistributed knowledge.

According to Mr. Hans Headmann at the GAO, “We just don’t know how much this whole program will cost.  We are hoping to get a basic understanding of costs within the first 12 months, as the knowledge of basic math and percentages begins to trickle down to some of the more hands-on members of our accounting office.  However, based on past government experience we estimate that the Federal Government will take approximately 35% of the knowledge to administer the program,  and we will likely expect another 12-15% to remain unaccounted for at the end of the audit period.”

Obama government spokesperson Juanita Cerebro-Chen estimates that the knowledge should begin to trickle down to factory workers and the unemployed within the first few months. The government is a bit concerned that we might get some blowback in the form of individuals attempting to perform credit default swaps or other complex derivative-type instruments on the results of non-monetary items such as tractor pulls, professional wrestling matches, or ultimate fighting championship events. However, Ms. Cerebro-Chen stated, “We have contingency plans in place, and are working closely with the event organizers to ensure that this does not occur.”

When asked why the bulk of the knowledge is expected to be released in 2011, just prior to the next Presidential election.  Ms. Cerebro-Chen indicated that it was due to regulatory and funding constraints only, and that any implication that it was somehow related to politics or the election cycle is “Just plain offensive to this administration and a majority of Americans.”

For E.H.

Dirk Langston is a pseudonym used by Gary L. Dyner